1552 # all the rain dont wash the guilty away

 

Today I spend my whole day at that place where you rest now. I dont visited you for such a long time. I'm sorry, I'm really sorry. But you have to understand, I cant do this for more times in one year, it's too hard for me. All these memories about you, about us. All these views and comments from your family.. At this time in every year I am not myself. With every heartbeat it seems like my heart would transport a lot of poison in my veins. There are so many emotions which I can't control. So much pain, sorrow and rage. Everytime in these years, I felt like I would die insinde, again and again, year for year. At the beginning I thought it would be better by the years but I failed. The contrary happened. It's driving me crazy, it really does. The pain becomes real and the pills get more.
I could talk with a lot of professionaly persons about that and I had done but, no one can take the pain, no one can take my feeling to be guilty. Year for year, these procedure paints my soul a little piece darker.